46 comments

1. Hi dears and thank for you entertaining program; although I just found it out of nowhere.

   Anyway, about the topic your brought out, Its almost impossible to translate such terms to Farsi as inter-cultural point of view, says me as a pro translator :D. some popping
   This term comes from a culture which can accept having sex without “EMOTIONAL INTIMACY “; nevertheless, even in the culture in which they are accepted, many friendships like these are mostly dome to failure duo to the huge emotional capacity of humans heart. PPL usually slip in these area.

   Additionally, about 65% men maybe many of them are friends for benefit with themselves :)).

   Thanks the program is a real fun.

2. Sorry i forgot to bring my example it becuase of MAD COW… 😀

   i was about to say :some popping examples of inter-cultural untranslatability are “{چاکرتم ، کوچیکتم ، ای ولا ” nobody can and will translate these very in-depth cultural expressions.

3. WE have a near clause defining FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS which is very sexist and anti-females though. just wanted to share. men usually call their girl friend with just sexual interaction “سو**اخ فوری “.

   really sorry but wanted to share.

   1. Thank you Babak jan, that does seem to be the closest translation. We couldn’t come up with it, but you did, thanks for sharing it, and being tasteful about it.

4. What was the name of the movie you just talked about? please reply here cause I need to some where and won’t be able to continue listening to you guys Thnkx

   1. Cyrus Jan,

      The name of the movie is “I’m a Sex Addict” I’ll add it to the blog post.

5. Thanks for the interesting topic and conversation.
   A few comments:
   – any ‘agreement’ that creates a bond or relation regardless of the intention is by definition a relationship. Therefore, a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship is still a relationship.
   – at least one person in this type of relationship is in denial and the other is looking for a carte blanche to have multiple partners. Ultimately will use this excuse to not have to commit or explain him/herself to the partners
   – this type of relationship is unrealistic and any excuse used to be in one, is similar to the hollywood created phenomena that an individual is a ‘sex addict’ when he/she is caught cheating. Bull shit!

   And a note regarding an earlier comment about powerful people: powerful people have more opportunities to cheat because most people are drawn to powerful individuals. Also powerful people have the means to get away with it.

6. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0913445/

   1. mercy marjan jan

7. As a Persian girl who lived her life mostly out of Iran… I will say possible, BUT if I want to be honest… I will say NO… girls hardly can have emotion-less sex!!! or maybe I am wrong!

8. in farzad kheili javade, tarz harf zadanesh mesl adamaye bi savad va bi mazzeh ast.

   dont bring him back; his jokes are not funny

   1. سلااااااااااام
      از ایران به همتون سلام عرض میکنم
      شاد شاد شاد باشین
      همیشه به یادتونم
      mhhani2011@gmail.com

9. I was very sad to read about this. Especially the suggestions about how to have an emotionless relationship. Through conditioning, people are capable of it, but why? A much more important question is why does our society actively try to destroy what little we have left when it comes to finding love. Shouldn’t sex be reserved as the physical manifestation of our emotional love for another person. Should it not be kept sacred as the ultimate form of meditation and transforming human experience. Or do we need to reduce everything to its animal foundation. Eating can be reduced to just fulfilling our nutritional needs, but we do put such love into making beautiful dishes for one another. Why is sex that different? Dear friends at Iranican, please refrain from the same attitude that is destroying many nations including our own. Help reverse this trend and instead facilitate the growth of humanity not its devolution.

   1. try not to judge people; some do sex for love, some do it for pure physical joy and some for a combination of both; and there is nothing wrong with any of these. This is a free country. Right ?

      1. and some do it for money…..what do you think about that Kiarash?

         1. i still have respect for them, this is their choice, their life and their body, and it’s not the bussiness of any society, any state or religion to tell people how to live their PERSONAL life.

            1. prostitution is illegal and it is the responsibility of the state to control it. Prostitution spreads lots of diseases

               Its not anyone else’s business what you do with your body, as long as what you do is not going to hurt or harm anyone else. Statistically these types of relationships don’t last, and cause anguish to at least one of the two involved. If people take sex so lightly, which they are, there is no wonder to why the rate of HIV/AIDS and all these STDs are on the rise. Its just intercourse, its not rocket science. Choose one person and go about your life. Cervical cancer is on the rise because of the intercourse woman are having. The more partners you have, the increased risk you have. Is it really worth not being able to have a baby later? Sure you get your HPV 16/18 vaccinations. There are other STD’s that cause infertility. Putting aside the aspect of the emotions involved in friends with benefits, the consequences of multiple sexual partners is very poor, assuming that you will go about having multiple partners when not commited to only one. Solely based on that fact, people should try to find one person they trust and have a monogamous relationship. Its safe.

            2. Just to expand on what little one said regarding prostitution being illegal.It depends on what country you live in. In both the US and in Iran it is illegal (of course this doesn’t stop it from occurring in some form or fashion). But countries have different laws on prostitution.

               The Swedish government has one that is very interesting. In Sweden, it is illegal to pay for sex, but it is not illegal to be a prostitute. In most of Europe prostitution is legal but regulated in some form. The topic of the state or governments stance on prostitution poses very interesting debates but I won’t go into them because I’m afraid I’ve already said too much here and gotten people off topic.

10. While we are talking about friends with benefits, does anybody have experience of the Iranian dating site IranianPersonals.com ? Anyone with a good catch? This could also be a topic for a future show – “Dating sites for Iranians – does it work?”

    1. LOL

    2. lol, Hooshang, you seriously need to come back on the show dude…

11. Like yahya, I also felt very sad and “na-omid” after reading some of the comments and some of the “recommendations” that were written here on how to have a “friend with benefit,” or I really prefer to call it “legal prostitution” rather than friends with benefit because it’s a more realistic and less glorified label for the relationship, so from now on lets all call it that because that is exactly what it is. Some people don’t understand what the concept of a friendship is. A friend is someone you love, someone you care about, someone you support. Real friends don’t use or take advantage of eachother. You can not call a meaningless physical relationship you have with someone a friendship.

    Some talk was made about how people with power have affairs. Well, people with power also have money and the women they engage in these affairs with don’t exactly come from affluent backgrounds. This is why I refer to this relationship as “Legal Prostitution.” And in response to what Kiarash wrote: Women who trade sex for money don’t do it because they choose to, they do it to survive. Some of them are even married with kids and they still do it because they need to live. Society SHOUlD judge this and something SHOULD be done about this. They should have better opportunities that what they have and a better way to make a living.

    Is it just me or does anyone else wonder what is happening to humanity? How can two human beings use eachother and take advantage of eachothers bodies like this? And then how can we recommend ways to use eachother and take advantage of eachother so nonchalantly, so cavalierly, without questioning the ethics, the morality and the humanity of it?

    Speaking of humanity, as I was reading some of the things written here on this page, lines from TS Elliot’s famous poem “hollow men” which is about the effect of industrialization on humanity echoed in my mind. For those of you who went to high school here, the poem should be familiar as it is one of the most famous and most profound pieces in modern English Literature, with themes that are very relevant to today’s society. Elliot begins his piece with these four lines:

    We are the hollow men
    We are the stuffed men
    Leaning together
    Headpieces filled with straw.

    A hollow man is someone who has no morals and thoughts of his own. His brain has been “stuffed with straw” and is incapable of formulating thoughts and beliefs on its own. Is there not a hollowness, an emptiness to the fact that people want to engage in such a relationship because they “don’t have time” for a real relationship or that they don’t want the responsibility associated with a real relationship?

    Is there not a hollowness, and emptiness, to what the media has done to our perception of marriage, relationships, family and sex? It’s interesting how movies, TV and Hollywood can glorify this “legal prostitution” into “friends with benefits.” It’s interesting how it can fill our brains “with straw” so to speak and prevent us from thinking about the logical, moral and humane aspects of this type of a “business. “ We can so readily and easily dismiss our own cultural standards and traditions as being old fashioned and backwards but accept the standards that have been “stuffed” into our society and brains through film and television without question and then we say “Islam va Arab ha ba’es shodan keh ma hoveyat e mellimoon ro az dast bedim.” Afsoos, sharm dareh vaghean.

    Finally, Hooshang jan fekr mikonam keh toe in concept e dating ro ba “friends with benefits” ya “legal prostitution” ghati kardi. These are two different concepts that have nothing to do with eachother. If you are looking for someone to just fool around with ONLINE IS NOT THE PLACE TO LOOK!!!! The last place I want to see a member of our Iranian community is on a TV show like Dateline NBC’s “To catch a predator.”

    1. I wasn’t necessarily meaning to fool around with somebody…I don’t why you interpreted my question like that. By the way, to fool around is not the same thing as being a rapist. NBC:s show To catch a predator is about criminals. Don’t simplify the issue!

    2. (sorry it published my apostrophes and quotation marks as ” for some reason)

    3. what the hell is that annoying €œ ?

12. Either way hooshang jan, online is not a practical place to go looking for somebody to fool around with you could be talking to a 13 year old girl for all you know. There are plenty of options out in the street to choose from.

    Also, hey I dont judge there are people that place advertisements in the newspaper “dokhtari hastam mojarad, 27 sale daraye citizenship o madrak e tahsil….” looking for a husband, others like to place their advertisements looking for a husband/wife online but I think if you look at it logically… if you are really that desperate to find someone, having an arranged marriage through family/friends is a much more optimal solution than doing it by placing an Ad online or in the newspaper. Speaking of which, any CS/discrete math majors out their heard of the Stable Marriage Algorithm and know what its used to program?

    1. so you confine your world to the neighbourhood/city you live in and don’t use the technology to reach out to, theoretically, the whole world? Meeting someone in the club half-drunk, is that better than trying to find someone with your own interests online? Maybe we all arn’t that fortunate to find someone through our work or through friends. Is arranged marriage all you have to come up with in that situation?

13. Hi Kimya,

    I really do appreciate your insight and perspective, however, I wonder–do you read over what you write? It seems very ‘holier-than-thou’ and judgmental. I believe you are holding one standard or value system to be the absolute and right one. I am not arguing with your opinions, because we can all agree to disagree but I’m just shocked that you actually wrote the words “hey I don’t judge”…considering all you did was judge Hooshang. I have heard/seen successful marriages/relationships found through online dating sites. And your statement that arranged marriage through family/friends as an optimal solution is actually rather insensitive. You are presupposing that people’s family, or rather, social network is large enough to grant them a pool of marriage candidates. Not everyone has this “luxury” or “ability to optimize”.

    Also, you quoted T.S Elliot, a wonderful poet, but I feel that your analysis is in fact against your own point. A hollow man- “His brain has been “stuffed with straw” and is incapable of formulating thoughts and beliefs on its own” . Where did these straws come from? The media, you say? You’re then giving ‘Media’ the same amount of influence as social institutions like Religion, Culture,or Family in regards to what shapes our morality. This is not even close to the reality of the matter. The culprit you are looking for is society, one which you are a part of.

    Finally, maybe you should take a look at Foucault, and the concept of power-knowledge, before you make normative judgments. [ex:”Society SHOUlD judge this and something SHOULD be done about this.”]Rather strong statements, wouldn’t you say?

14. OK Hooshang lets separate two issues here.

    1) Unfortunately There are some people who go searching for a “legal prostitute” online on dating websites and in chatrooms. In my opinion this is very dangerous and unhealthy behavior that could land you either in jail or on dateline NBC’s To catch a predator.

    2) Now for those who actually want to use the internet to find a husband/wife/life partner/mate. This poses an interesting scenario:

    Isn’t online “matchmaking” a form of arranged marriage? It’s basically the same thing as a traditional Iranian arranged marriage the only difference is in one case, a computer program is matching you up with a mate prospect, in the other case, close relatives and friends match you up with a mate prospect. The question you should ask yourself is who do you trust more to find a better mate for you an unknown computer programmer or your own family/friends? It’s interesting how when it comes to the concept of arranged marriage see it as backwards and old fashioned. “Mage asre hajare?” They say. (kalameye farsi!: Asre Hajar= STONE AGE) And then these same Iranians see online dating as the modern approach to finding their respective mates. It’s the same concept, but people react to it in such different ways.

    Speaking of arranged marraige being an “asre hajar” practice. It’s interesting to see how the thought process behind it has contributed to our modern world in the field of technology you speak of. This is one of the most interesting matching algorithms in computer science: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stable_marriage_problem

    My only disillusionment with dating websites is that you are in fact placing an Ad by creating a profile with your picture and personal information for the whole world to see that you are searching for a wife or husband. It’s like placing an Ad in the newspaper. Although, I once met a phd student who met her husband through an IEEE journal, which is sort of like meeting someone online except it’s meeting someone through a shared interest/hobby you have rather than through an internet/newspaper plea for a husband or wife. I think meeting someone through shared hobbies and interests makes the experience more meaningful (to me at least).

    Also, regarding your comment about clubbing. No one goes to the club to find a husband or wife. I have a lot of friends (both Iranian an American) who are married, not one of them has said “I met my partner at the local bar/club.” People either go to clubs to have fun with their close circle of friends or they go to find a legal prostitute. If anyone is looking for a real relationship at a club, they’re looking in the wrong place!

15. Sasha, if I sound judgmental, well then I’m sorry. I am not trying to preach here. I am just saying this is what I think and this is my logic behind it. There is no right or wrong answer here, there are only agreements and disagreements. Also, in no way am I judging hooshang. I don’t even know Hooshang.

    I am not Judging anyone that goes and puts an ad in the newspaper or creates an online dating profile to find a husband or wife. In fact, one of my favorite books that I read in elementary school in 5th grade was “Sarah Plain and Tall” it was about a farmer who put an ad in the newspaper for a bride. I’m only saying I personally do not feel comfortable with doing this myself for these reasons. If someone else feels comfortable doing it, then by all means, go for it!

    When I quoted Elliot, I did it purposefully for several reasons. First of all,I wanted Iranians who have not been in the US for a very long time to see a different perspective of American society than what they see here on tv and in Iran on satellite tv. I had hoped that the perspective of this American poet might inspire Iranians to hold on to their own cultural values and think twice before dismissing a component of Iranian culture and traditions as “aghab mandeh.” Also, when I explained the meaning of elliot’s poem, I did not say the straws come from the media. I said someone who has been “Stuffed with straw” is incapable of forming his own thoughts and beliefs. He just believes what other people tell him. He can’t think for himself. So, yes, even if you accept what your religion, culture, and family tell you without putting your own thought and logic into it, you are still a “hollow man” incapable of forming your own thoughts and values. I only used the media as an example because it was referenced in respect to this topic (No strings attached, monica and chandler etc…)

    Finally, when I said society SHOULD judge this… by this I meant we should be concerned with the fact that some women are trading sex for money as a means of survival. This is a social issue. It goes back to the issue of humanity. These women should have better opportunities available to them for making a living.

16. Kimia
    You are preaching people, you are judgmental and you are so deceitful. Uncool!

17. Well guys and gals this was an interesting subject but you just reminded me I have some phone calls to make. Thx for the reminder.

    1. Ohhhh thanks! I just realized I have some missed calls!

       1. LOL goddess! At this rate, IranianPersonals.com will have to start auctioning carpets…

          1. LOL. Areh fekre khoobie laghal dokhtara shohar agar natoonestan unja peyda konan, beran jahizieshoono az unja tahieh konan. Maybe they can do one of those combo deals where if you find a zan/shohar there 25% off a ghali for your first house.

18. Look, the three things that give human beings the most rewarding and satisfactory feeling is eating food, micturition and sex. When we experience these things dopamine, a major neurotransmitter in the brain, is being released. Among the different functions of this neurotransmitter, one is being a key player in the rewarding system. This is evolutionary and is because these behaviors are necessary for our survival and thus need to be reinforced.

    We can not stop or impede this sexual drive we all have (some more than other because of individual variation), nor can any culture, society or state do this. In our Islamic country, how many abortions are there?, how widespread is prostitution? how much problem is there with sexual harassment? The answer to these questions are MANY and MUCH because of the sexual frustration that exists in Iran among people.

    What’s wrong with two consenting adults setting up an agreement to enjoy sex without having the love-part. Love is not hard-wired in our brain, sex is. There is so much positive effects (including release of a wide range neurotransmitters in the brain) with human skin contact and being close to another person. Yes, I think most people would want to find their soul-mates in life and live happily together the rest of their lives, but if you don’t should you stay home all alone and never engage sexually? Because you’re not in love?

    Sometimes I think the reason we Iranians are so reserved when it comes to sex is because we don’t get it ourselves and thus it is bad. Let’s face it, a majority of us are in the libraries studying to get that fancy degree while the Americans are in bed with their friends with benefits and having the time of their life, a time that evolution endorses. I’m not sure if evolution endorses PhD, JD- and MD-degrees…..?(Don’t misinterpret me, going after these degrees are great but it will be even greater if you have some friends with benefits to enjoy your free time with, or a girlfriend/boyfriend, or a husband/wife)

19. This discussion blog is really becoming addicting. As I was telling Borhan, I had at first originally planed on writing one thing for the “divorce” program and then going about my own business but that led to me writing a lot more things and before you know it you’re checking people’s responses every time you are on facebook and the downward spiral continues… I apologize for writing too much spam here, but I can’t help it, I have an addiction!

    I just have some responses to what our friend Hamed wrote:

    “In our Islamic country, how many abortions are there?, how widespread is prostitution? how much problem is there with sexual harassment? The answer to these questions are MANY and MUCH because of the sexual frustration that exists in Iran among people.”

    I disagree with this. I think it is because of the economic problems “Feshar e eghtesadi” that exist in Iran among people. People who have abortions usually (in most cases whether in Iran or in USA) are not the millionaires and top money makers of society. It’s the same concept with prostitution, it will exist in any society where there is economic problems and economic pressures. Also regarding sexual harassment in Iran existing because of sexual frustration, I think that’s a bit of a stretch… I mean yeah you have a lot of cases in Iran where a girl is going about her own business and a guy goes and says something to her that could be deemed as “sexual harassment” but this is a very mild case. In most cases that same “por roo” Iranian guy would never ever cross a boundary with a girl that is a lot of times crossed here in the US. I think the main reason for this type of behavior is “bikari” and people just looking for a good laugh, not sexual frustration.

    “Love is not hard-wired in our brain, sex is.”

    I disagree with this too. Why? Because if you ask someone to sleep with you and they say no, most people wouldn’t care or be upset. But if you love someone and they don’t love you back, the brain will trigger different emotional responses in your body, you could be crushed, depressed, sad…

    “This is evolutionary and is because these behaviors are necessary for our survival and thus need to be reinforced.”

    Ok eating is evolutionary behavior. But what about eating 5 big macs a day with an order of super sized French fries, you think that will contribute to your survival? There is a difference between healthy eating, and suicide. The same concept applies to sex. I really like what Mrs. Bolandi said about healthy sexuality and the analogy she used with the zero calorie chocolate.

    1. “ (in Iran) a guy goes and says something to her that could be deemed as “sexual harassment” but this is a very mild case. In most cases that same “por roo” Iranian guy would never ever cross a boundary with a girl that is a lot of times crossed here in the US”

       Kimia, I think you lack a realistic view to iran and what’s happening there; why don’t you actually go there one day and take a back seat in a cab. I would like to see your reaction when a guy sitting next to you starts rubbing his legs and entire body against you and touches you every few seconds. Is that a mild case?
       On the contrary, here there are many cities and places that a girl can go jogging on her own late at night, I doubt if she could do the same thing anywhere in Iran and make it home without being raped or severely harassed.

20. “On the contrary, here there are many cities and places that a girl can go jogging on her own late at night, I doubt if she could do the same thing anywhere in Iran and make it home without being raped or severely harassed.”

    HAHAHAHAHAHA…. Tell me, where in US do you think a girl can go jogging on her own late at night? In what bubble? The suburbs? In most big cities here, dokhtara jorat nemikonan shab biroon piadeh ye jaee beran. When I was an undergrad, I lived close to downtown in a major US city and I can tell you after dark, once the sun went down, I did not feel comfortable walking somewhere by myself… even on campus! some areas of that city I didn’t even feel comfortable walking/jogging by myself during the day.

    “why don’t you actually go there one day and take a back seat in a cab. I would like to see your reaction when a guy sitting next to you starts rubbing his legs and entire body against you and touches you every few seconds. Is that a mild case?”

    Have you ever been on a metro system or subway system here in the US? This happens here too in broad daylight. It is not unique to Iran. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen in Iran at all, I’m saying I think compared to what goes on here it’s very mild. Most guys in Iran jorat nemikonan
    beh ye dokhtar dast bezanan the way they do here because of the cultural stigma associated with it. I’m not saying this is a bad thing, I’m saying GOOD! Look at this “hugging” culture that exists in the US. A lot of Americans don’t understand that there is a difference between giving someone a hug and squeezing the life out of a girl. This phenomena, thankfully, is virtually non-existent in the Iranian community. Iranians either don’t hug eachother, or they do it the right, “aberoo-mandane” way. As stupid as this may sound, it’s true. And I’m not trying to generalize here, but there is a huge difference between the way the guy acts in the Iranian dating culture and the American dating culture.
    This is a positive thing, and I like to see it continue in our culture/society.

21. “Tell me, where in US do you think a girl can go jogging on her own late at night”?

    I give you some examples of bay area, similar places to be found almost anywhere:

    Walnut creek, orinda, Moraga, Daville, San Ramon, Sunnyvale, Parts of Santa clara, San Rafael, Sausalito, los gatos, Pleasanton, Most of Dublin and pleasant hills, west side of Palo Alto,…

    and you may need to read a sad story about حجت‌الاسلام فرزاد فروزش

22. Well Persian Boy, I can tell you the US is a BIG, BIG country and there is a lot more to see outside the Bay Area or California Bubble. Outside of the “bubble” you live in walking or jogging alone at night in the dark in downtown ares of cities like Atlanta, New York, parts of the DC area, Chicago, downtown Houston, Miami… and many many other US cities is a good way to get raped, shot or robbed. For every sad story that you read about what happens in Iran, I can use google to find you 10 sad stories about what happens here in US across various cities.

    Regarding the story you mentioned. Girls get kidnapped here in US too. Just watch the news. Khoobe inja yek rohani mikhaste yek kare khoob anjam bedeh, here in US you have instances of priests raping and molesting girls.

    So in short, as much as I am a female and I like to defend and stand up for the female species. And I can’t believe that I, a female, am actually saying this to a male here vali In ro ensafan bayad begam: Pesaraye Irani enghadr BADBAKHT o avazi o bi hame chiz neestan keh baziha dar moredeshoon fekr mikonan. Areh, dorost e keh adamaye badbakht o avazi tooshoon peyda misheh. But when you look at them as a whole, there is a lot of goodness and there are a lot of positive character qualities that they have in respect to American guys and I attribute a lot of these qualities to Iranian culture and traditions. So, I really see no basis to your argument that they are all “sexually frustrated” and have problems because of “sexual frustrations.”

    1. Kimia

       you asked me a question ““Tell me, where in US do you think a girl can go jogging on her own late at night”?”
       and i gave you my answer which is a list of cities that meet your criteria.
       Now if it is reasonable you should be convinced,but what you do is you keep changing your argument; this way we will never come to a conclusion, as you always bring something up instead of focusng on one issue and tryin to resolve it. another thing,if US as bad as you say, why are you living here? we sure won’t miss you if you leave this country and go live somewhere that fits you better. 😀

       1. “if US as bad as you say, why are you living here? we sure won’t miss you if you leave this country and go live somewhere that fits you better.”

          Hahahahaha!

          Tikeh mindazi? 😉

          I never changed my argument. From the beginning, I said Iranian society, culture and traditions have many positive attributes in respect to what has become of American society. I like Iranians to hold on to their own culture and traditions because I see a lot of good in it. It’s not all as dark and backwards as some people think. I keep giving you evidence to support my argument but it’s useless because you don’t want to believe me.

          1. hala to chera rafti jaye digeh ? bia California,late nite berim jogging 😀

23. Hello my dear
    My name is miss mercy i saw your profile today and become interested in you i will like you to send to me mail to my email address so that i will send my picture to you to know me more
    My EMAIL IS (mercybabykones@yahoo.com) please i am waiting for your reply.
    yours in love,
    Mercy Kones

24. Pingback: Friends with Benefits II | iranican