Updated w/ Podcast on Feb 8, 2012 @ 7PM PST: Warning: Adult/Parental discretion advised. This show will not air on Radio Javan, however, since sex is an important topic that’s seldom talked about in our families and even relationships, we had to do it anyway.
S-E-X. From the moment we are born, our parents take a vow of celibacy (not for themselves, but for US). Even the topic of sex is forbidden. At least for some Iranian families, including mine.
Download the MP3: (High Quality)
In fact, I didn’t even know what sex was until one of our family friends (their son) explained it to me in the seventh grade. Until then, I thought babies came from lovingly holding hands– okay okay, not really. But you get the idea, I knew sex was SOMETHING, but I thought it was something BAD, which is completely untrue.
I was always so clueless about sex and as a result, I was forced to learn everything on my own. I listened to the stories without trying to get too horrified of the idea that a boy and a girl could do something like THAT. And what is worst, I felt this intensely guilty every time my curiosity took control and coaxed me into learning more.
Why is it that SOME of our parents feel the need to shelter us? Is that really so healthy? I will admit, I do miss believing in the idea that a stork will bring me my babies… because let’s be honest, childbirth is truly terrifying. But, worse than sheltering is painting a negative image around sex. Arash, an Iranican listener, mentioned in his comment that his parents left the room when a sex scenes appeared on TV, I think Arash had it much better, because my parents not only shut if off, but explicitly showed disgust and anger toward it, and that reaction is now part of my subconsciousness. I’m almost ashamed of my sexuality, and it has made it difficult for me to openly learn, and communicate about sex, even with my partner. I’ll keep working on this, but we made this show to make it easier for you too. EDUCATION and knowledge is power- as Iranians we pride ourselves in our culture. But why is it that we are forbidden from educating ourselves when it comes to sex? What makes it so taboo?
Experts in this field encouraged us to have this discussion about sex in an open, safe, and non-judgmental environment as the issue becomes oppressive and toxic when it’s not talked about. Healthy sexuality involves partners talking/communicating and making a mutual decision. It’s not like the movies where the couple just jump in, and when it happens is magical! In the show we talk about getting educated about sex, and here’s two links recommended by the experts we contacted: Columbia University Sex Health, Coalition for Positive Sexuality
Join our co-hosts as they ignore their parent’s rules and discuss whether their sheltered childhood away from sex really benefited them. Did it benefit you? Doosetoon Daram! – Undisclosed Author
46 comments
Its a good topic because none of the Iranians/Persians don’t wan to talk about it
Whats your email guys? I feel like writting a freaking essay on this lol..promise itd be very concise though 😉
Nina jan, the e-mail is info [at] iranican.com, but if you post here others will be able to give feedback on your post as well. Thanks!
My much filtered 2cents
1) I assume you are referring to the topic of sex within our Iranian community/culture.
Itâs mainly a taboo topic for girls. There are double standards. The boys can freely talk about their sexual adventures/engage in pre-marital sex, but if the girl even makes a comment on the topic she is told ânagoo zeshteâ!
Why?
I believe there are both religious and cultural factors involved. All religions as we all know say no to sex outside of marriage. But where does the double standards in our culture stem from? Even if you are a minority [Christian, Jewish, Bahaâi..etc], you have to admit Islam has had a significant influence on what we like to call âculturalâ values and morals.
Speaking to various people [who believe in the double standard]over the years, their reasoning for all of them is almost the same: women are the weaker sex, both physically and emotionally. They can be taken advantage of, hurt or end up pregnant and alone to raise a child.
That might be true to âsomeâ extent in Iran due to economical and legal factors.. but does that really apply to adult females raised in the west? â¦Well as long as we are playing along with the double standards we are putting our seal of approval on these arguments.
Why shouldnât it be?
*Lack of sex education!
The only sex- ed [sarcasm!] our girls ever receive from their mothers is “don’t ever use tampons! it will take away your virginityâ. Not to mention many are stopped from attending sex ed. Is there even sex ed classes in school in Iran?
Wide spread of STDS and many unwanted pregnancies.
*Emotional pain and burden
– If/when sh*t happens, they can’t talk about it. Neither to their parents nor to their Iranian friends in case word gets out. Consequently they are left to deal with it on their own.
*Failed relationships/marriages
lack of communication and honesty due to the fear of being judged..being programmed to think “zeshte” if the subject is brought up/ x or y is talked about
How do we overcome the current norm?
Talk, talk and talk! (write on Iranican hehe), get educated and please make your OWN choices and be TRUE to yourself! Whether you are for/against sex before marriage, beating around the bush (girls you all know what Iâm talking about) or any other related topics, if you truly do believe in your opinion then whatâs the harm in standing up for it and TALKING about it.
copy paste from word = epic fail..sorrrryyy
u suck.
for me – sex has become very tiresome, you know – just another day at the orifice.
Everytime I watched a movie with my parents and there was a sex scene my dad always remembered he had to water the flowers, my mom suddenly got interested in the wallpapers and me and my sister looked down in the ground as if the movie wasn’t interesting. Hahahaha, man it was really awkward but it says it all about our culture.
Nowadays I always check the imdb site for parents guide before watching a movie with my family!
sex is good before marriage, because u learn from ur mistakes.
I found sexandfesenjoon weblog in your facebook page, for this topic I have read few interesting article on that weblog, I fully recommend and suggest all fans to look that up.
I am supporter of sex with committed relation, why? I will simply cancel out other ones. First, if you do it for fun, I found that at some time you will caught up with hurting other people feeling or you will end up with a useless life feeling. Second for having no sex till marriage, the bad things about that are: you put pressure on yourself and not having a enjoyable life, and the other reason is that you may end up with a life with sex related issue. Thanks
Girls want it more than guys do. Thats for sure
Inshallah
سايت ايرانياني كه زبانش پارسي نباشه به دو زار نمي ارزه. من به هيچ چيزي كار ندارم ولي زبان ايراني تا ابد پارسي است و به اين پارسي افتخار مي كنم.
رنده باد ايران
زنده باد سرزمين پارس
This site is Iranican which means Irani-Americans. We use English at work and school, for speaking with our friends and our younger family members. If you don’t understand English this is your problem and there are plenty of other programs in Farsi that suit you better.
درست این برنامه برای ایرانیان آمریکای اما اگه میخواید طرفدارتون بیشتر بشه باید یا کامل فارسی حرف بزنید یا این که کامل انگلیسی و این به این معنی نیست که ما انگلیسی نمیفهمیم چون اگه مخاتبان امریکای رو فقط در نظر بگیرید طرفدارانتون بیشتر نمیشه بلکه کمترم میشه عزیزان
midunin badie in barname ine ke ye seri adam ba aghayede yeksan baham bahs mikonan. tabadole aghayed va etela’at nemishe.
Febgirl, you’re right on. Kamelan Dorost Migi!
Although I have to admit that this is the side that’s heard less often, at least publicly it would have been interesting to hear the opposing side challenging the ideas.
For one, Shahed said that a relationship without sex is not a real relationship. I would like to see her tell her 14 year old daughter that if god forbid she ever has kids
She went on to say, more and more guys nowadays want women to have experience. I’m not sure where she’s getting this information from. I’m a 27 year old guy and I have been in relationships that I was thinking would lead to marriage with girl that fit both category. In one case my girlfriend was a virgin and she wanted to have sex before we got married, but she had no experience, and honestly didn’t know what to do even on occasions way before it got to having sex. I have to admit I found that extremely cute and adorable and loved her so much for it. In a second scenario I was with someone else who wanted to keep her virginity until after marriage, but at the same time she was so enthusiastic about being intimate that it didn’t even matter for me that she didn’t want to have sex. I completely respected her decision, loved her for it, and I actually had something more special to look forward to after marriage.
Anyway, there is something special if you know you’re the only guy the girl has been with, and something instinctively disturbing if you know your wife has been around. Especially in small Iranian communities outside of Iran, it’s very possible that you know and actually interact with the guys who have been with your wife before, and even if you rise above the issue and get over it yourself, god forbid if one of them ever wants to give you a hard time, it’ll only take one sentence.
Sex is not just a physical act, it’s deeply emotional. Your body releases serotonin and oxytocin, which is a bonding chemical. It’s what has kept couples together in a monogamous relationship and families together since time to raise strong kids to continue life. To cheapen sex to just its physical pleasure and pretend like it’s just like eating is, in my opinion, betrayal to your own psyche. There are exceptions everywhere and maybe not everyone releases oxytocin, but this is science and it’s true for the majority of people. So if you take it lightly for the pleasure, you may have some fun with your body now, but later you will miss out on the closer bond you could have with the person you want to live the rest of your life with.
you know whats really funny about what you just said? the fact that if your “wife” or girlfriend has had sex before- it would mean she’s been around or that she might have been with someone else in the Iranian community. what a bunch of BS. Since when are the standards for men and women different? we dont live in Iran or in the 1930s. those worries that you have about your wife if she has been sexual in the past– should also apply TO YOU AS A MAN.
Your comment here is so SELF-ENTITLED. its opinions like this that so many Iranian women have a trouble overcoming their insecurities when it comes to sex.
VIRGINITY DOESNT EQUAL LOVE.
Sarah jan,
You sound angry. Let’s speak over some warm coffee??
It’s not about the 1930’s or Iran. This is nature. If women decided to decrease the value in a man-whore, then the same standards would apply to men, but instinctively, women don’t care as much. Their survival depends on having a partner that can support them through pregnancy, childbirth and beyond, so that they can have strong offspring. It’s a mistake to have the same standards for men and women, because they are not the same. If anything women are more valuable. It’s unfortunate that in the materialistic and male dominated world that we live in, even for women, success is often defined by Money/Power which is what the Male Psyche is motivated to chase/provide. What I see is that women/girls that argue the way you do have not embraced womanhood and the definition of fulfilling success of it. The answer is already within you, I hope you can find it Sarah jan. Btw, if it wasn’t already obvious, the coffee is on me 😉
“Sex is not just a physical act, it’s deeply emotional. Your body releases serotonin and oxytocin, which is a bonding chemical. It’s what has kept couples together in a monogamous relationship and families together since time to raise strong kids to continue life. To cheapen sex to just its physical pleasure and pretend like it’s just like eating is, in my opinion, betrayal to your own psyche. There are exceptions everywhere and maybe not everyone releases oxytocin, but this is science and it’s true for the majority of people. So if you take it lightly for the pleasure, you may have some fun with your body now, but later you will miss out on the closer bond you could have with the person you want to live the rest of your life with.”
I don’t understand your last sentence. Are you saying if sex is taken lightly before marriage, your body will run out of Oxytocin and you will miss out on the closer bond with the person you get married to?I’m confused.
Nina jan,
It’s not that you run out, I’m not sure if you run out or not, but if you think that your life is limited, you only have so much bonding chemicals. So if you’re constantly using them with different people, you will be a magnet with more than one piece of metal around you, and it makes sense that it takes away from the novelty and uniqueness of the relationship that you hopefully want to stay in for the rest of your life.
bi-adabiat– I was going to give you a long-winded response, and decided against it. I’m glad you picked up an issue of ‘Psychology Today’ and some terms that make you believe you have a scientifically sound argument.
On the other hand, if you truly educated yourself on the issue- you probably wouldn’t discuss ‘oxytocin’ and ‘finding your girlfriend’s virginity as cute and adorable’ in the same response.
And I know that my children won’t be the one’s having sex with your repressed children, behind your back. They’ll have better standards than that.
Thanks for listening!
Sex is like other human’s needs ( like eating) but since in Iran specially after Revolution, religious & government had strong impact of controlling different things including sex, it caused to be a taboo these days. I support having sex before marriage ( in the sense of learning it in the right way with the right person, learning about your partner’s desires)but in a committed relationship. Sex is fun but if you have it with someone you love the fun and joy is double. Maybe if we were more open on sex since we were children, we would not see most of our girls ( non-virgin) specially in IRAN these days. we would not see sex related diseases, and etc.
Educate our kids about it in a right way and give them a chance to ask thousands of question about it ,would be the positive key in order to remove that taboo from our Iranian/Persian’s minds.
Houshang is hilarious!
Aawwww <3 you right back girls! I feel very flattered!!
This Podcast was awesome, I laughed so much to your comments. The topic was good specially for those more conservative young Iranians 😀 & Btw all of you guys are funny but Houshang is hilarious 😀
You mentioned all kinds of sex but you left out anal!
Houshang, I bet you haven’t been that lucky yet 😉
I agree with Sarah. In response to “bi-adabiat,” the physiological and evolutionary differences btw a man and a woman does not necessarily substantiate a right of one over another in our advanced sentient race. Your response clearly sets double standards by sex. By the standards mentioned above we could also argue that woman have the right to collect the ejaculate of as many males as possible for competitive breeding. From a physiological development stand point we ALL start out as females, and only during final stages of development are sexual characteristic changes take place forming a penis from what would become the clitoris by default, and the ball sac from fusion of labia majoras, and the testes from what would become the ovaries which remain undecended during early childhood. Don’t use the “Masculine Male” defender and protector of women as a defense to a social divide and double standards that exists in our culture. There are many things women can do better including the ability to think of multiple things at once. Surely if you are not chasing your lunch these days the ability to multi-think is superior. I not trying to male bash but only to respectfully raise questions about your stand. Coffee!!? 😀
Haha..Pouria Jan, I don’t like coffee, I was assuming Sarah did, but while we’re at it, we might as well go for some good Kabob. Anyway, I learned a about development of physiology by reading your post, but I don’t entirely understand the statement that says [the differences do not substantiate a right of one over another in our society]. I guess I’m only confused because you used to word “right”. In my view, the rights are definitely the same (in terms of law), I’m just arguing that I don’t think I’ll let go of the preference I have over women/girls who maintain their virginity or have sex only with serious committed relationships (serious defined for me as, with intention to marry) over girls who behave otherwise for a life partner. I’m further arguing that this is a common bias, and even further that we will not be able to let go of this bias in men. I’m suggesting this is a preference that’s wired in our brain. Men are drawn to challenge, and men want exclusivity with their mate. This preference creates social norms, and no matter how many times people like Shahed say “More and more men want girls who have experience,” aside from the fact that it’s just hot air, at the end of the day, you can do research, read and even gain experience with your life’s partner (which itself can be an enjoyable process), however if you take the “experience” road, it’s not something you can come back on. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating for either case. I think the world is beautiful for these differences of opinion, and because I know what attitude I would prefer in my partner, it makes my life that much easier. In the end natural selection will be at play and the families with stronger bonds, fostering stronger children will excel.
Merci Pouria, I completely agree with you– 100%. I think its sad that double standards STILL exist in this day and age– or that people view women as “flawed” just because they stand up for ourselves or speak our minds. But I guess we can’t all be perfect
Shahed voted the more the merrier
There is a GOD after all…
@bi-adabiat thank you for respecting and recognizing the value in various opinions. As for a “right” to, I do not mean by any legal measure that would hold up in court. Its more about the dominance and protective role over a woman that you had inferred. As for “natural selection” not really sure where you are going with this but for sake of argument my interpretation is that it favors high population, immunity to disease, and diversity in breeding. None of which supports the exclusivity you propose or the assumption you make that thus a bond would be stronger as a result. I’m far more comfortable with the idea of an equal partnership between the sexes as an intelligent race that places value on strengths rather than an emphasis on double standards regarding the physical act of sex. Will your preference for a VIRGIN be so strong that you would deny a relationship with a partner whom you are otherwise compatible with and love? Barg or Koobideh!?
Pouria Jan, I LOVE koobideh!
Natural selection’s work is still at play. While it’s no longer the survival of the fittest actually getting to live, because almost everyone gets to live. Men and women are attracted to partners that can bear the strongest offspring. So men will look for fertility, intelligence, child/family nourishment and commitment potential. Where as women will be looking for security (Strength + Intelligence + Agility + Commitment) potential. I think my family will be stronger with the attributes I described earlier in myself and my partner. Virginity is not itself a deal breaker. It’s more about the attitude than virginity itself.
سلام دوستان بحث خوبی انتخاب کرده بودید تعصف که بیشتر انگلیسی حرف زدید و موضوع رو باز تر نکردید و اینکه taboo باقی ماند همچنان چون خودتونم نتونستید یک سری مسائل به زبان بیارید وتوضیح بدید. امید وارم انتقادم باعث رنجش نشه با آرزوی موفقیت.
As an Iranian American, I speak primarily in English and switch between Farsi and English all the time while I speak; so do all my Persian friends. There’s a certain beauty to have this ability. The iranican mission is clear and there are plenty of all Farsi or all English media available. If this show denied the ability of it’s hosts the advantage and freedom to switch between the language when appropriate, I would stop listening. Fekr mikonam ke shoma bayad betoonin khodetoon ro adapt konin ta een ke taghaza konin ma avaaz beshim. We are Iranian-Americans, not Iranians.
Sexuality is like religion. it is a matter of my concern only not that of my family’s, my culture or the society I live in. Thankfully in the west this is in many ways the case, especially when you move out from your parents’ house. But in Iran of course in the current situation this is far from true.
Dedicated to Shahed:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FB5RgaDOESs
I love you Shahed jan!
Hi dears
I really like ur program . When I ,am in bad mood & feeling Sad Downloaded Ur program & After that my feeling is Completely changed .! TnQ & I LOVE U:x
In response to Shahed’s on-air comments on my experience. True, both people I had a relationship with were virgins. I was refuting the “More and more guys want girls with experience” comment, which in my opinion is not only untrue, but also counter-productive. One of my girlfriends seemed very “experienced” and knew exactly what to do/say, and another had no idea. I found the novice one completely adorable and liked her no less for it. That’s not to push girls to pretend like it’s their first time etc. I think if you are with the right partner, the interest and love is created by genuine expressions, whatever they may be, and if there are guys out there that really want the girls to be experienced, to me it seems they’re not interested to take the journey with the girl, they just want the destination. I’m not sure if that’s the type of guy you want to be your partner in life, but if it is, I wish you the best but I’m glad you won’t be looking for me.
“if there are guys out there that really want the girls to be experienced, to me it seems they’re not interested to take the journey with the girl, they just want the destination.”
IF there are guys..that REALLY want…
even the way you discuss this is biased and judgmental.
Bi-adabiat. I wish you’d just stop talking about MY sex&relationship life, what type of men I want, and what Kids I should NOT have.
If you can’t get it off your mind, and are fantasizing about it– then you’re more repressed than you know 😉
saalaam,,, shomaaii k miiaay miigii 2khtaraye irani bayad sex dashte bashaan,,, chon in malee khodeshoonee ,, lezaatte khodeshoonee,, be in tavajoh kardii k hamoon pesaraii k bato bekhaan sex dashte bashaan ,,, vaghtii bakere nabaashii Dgee be yee cheeshee Dgee negaat mikonaan???!!!! mifaahmiin manzooramo??????
yanii age 2khtaraye irooniam bekhaan nemi2naan,, chon morede taiidee hichkaas gharaar nemiigiiraan!!!!!
Hello
thanks for your efforts.
M
I personally won’t; BTW I may suggest.
***
I guess its not a religion-taboo(unlike christianity) as polyandry is legal and it’s mostly customs(did you whach Zendegie khosusi?); add to that which have self-sex-satisfactory(no matter the means; media or,… is unhealthy afterall.
I like Iran
I like Cirus the great
I like Muhammad too
Birgani Mostafa-Khuzestan(Iran)
all Iranian are foolish stupid moron sick other than me yohahahaha hehehe haha
ها چی میگه
Hello my dear
My name is miss mercy i saw your profile today and become interested in you i will like you to send to me mail to my email address so that i will send my picture to you to know me more
My EMAIL IS (mercybabykones@yahoo.com) please i am waiting for your reply.
yours in love,
Mercy Kones